Are you my Brother?

Growing up I had read in the Quran and in various hadith the importance of upholding the ties of kinship.  Reading this for the first time when I was a young adult I wondered why it was given so much importance and why it was repeated several times in the Quran and in various hadith.  It obviously was an important command, but it seemed so easy to do.  What was so hard in upholding ties of kinship?  My naiveness got the best of me, it’s not as simple as it sounds.

“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship.” (Bukhari)

Allah has encouraged us to be kind and compassionate to our families (includes immediate and extended) this in turn will bring about positive societal affects.  Families that are united will ultimately lead to a more united Ummah, if families cannot be united how can a whole Ummah be united?  Allah has repeated the commandment of maintaining relations because He is Al-Alim ( The All Knowing), He knows the nature of humans and how if He hadn’t warned against severing relations how easily we would break ties even over the most pettiest things.

Money, grudge, envy and variation in religiosity, to name a few, are the culprits of breaking apart families.

MONEY

It is unfortunate that for some what matters most in this world is materialistic gain.  Some family members will not associate with other members of the family because they don’t fall into the same income bracket as they do. God forbid their social status gets affected. Bring the subject of inheritance into the picture and in some situations that means battle.  For this group of people I’d like to remind:

“And those who break the covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives) and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home.” (Ar-Rad:25 also Muhammad:22-23)

Curse in this ayah refers to Allah’s curse on those who break their bond of kinship, meaning one who is deprived of Allah’s mercy.  A person who does such will be affected in this life and the hereafter.

Instead of distancing yourself from those who are economically lower than you become close to them and support then either emotionally or financially.  Lending or giving money to family in a time of need is a great act of piety in the eyes of Allah. When you give in the sake of Allah your wealth is not lost but instead is multiplied.  A person can easily forget this point if one is not knowledgeable about such matters in the deen.  Instead a person may feel that there will be a decrease in their wealth or if a loan would be given it may not be returned. Trusting in Allah will make the decision of helping out family in the time of financial need easier and fulfilling inshallah.

GRUDGES

Misunderstandings happen and false assumptions get the best of us. It is best to be forgiving and to accept apologies whole heartedly. Allah encourages us to have a clean heart and hold no grudges.  Grudges make for a bitter relationship.

ENVY/JEALOUSY

It is a natural part of life for people to be at different ranks even within a family.  Some are granted more bounty from Allah than others.  One sibling may be well settled with a well paying job, house, car, etc. while the other is not as well off.  The sibling with less should never be envious, as envy can hurt your relationship and blacken the heart.  Allah reminds us in the story of Habil and Qabil the evil end envy can lead us to.  It’s the story of the two sons of Aadam where one fought with the other and killed him (Habil) out of envy because of the bounty Allah had given him and because Allah had accepted his sacrifice.

“Allah favored some of you over others with wealth and properties-Do they deny the favors of Allah?” (Surah Nahl:71)

A believing Muslim should be content with what he or she has been destined with.  When you are truly content with what you have then only will you find peace.

RELIGION

Different levels of religiosity is another player in severing family ties.  We are not ones to judge who is more religious or closer to Allah, only Allah knows who has done what deeds and where we rank to one another.  Islam teaches us to be tolerant and to join the ties of kinship no matter what level of the deen they are at.

The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “The family of Abu so and so are not my friends for my friends are Allah and the righteous believers. But they have ties of kinship with me, which I will recognize and uphold.” (Bukhari)

Whether or not one’s relatives are Muslim, not Muslim or not practicing Muslims it is still incumbent on us to keep good relations with our relatives.

Keeping the ties of kinship should come from the heart and should express love, kindness and respect.  This could be done by visiting family, or simply calling to see how your relatives are.  Sometimes people have a hard time or are hesitant to start up communication with a relative they haven’t spoken to for a while.  A nice way to get things started is sending a “Just Because” card or a simple email.  Something I’ve wanted to do is randomly send a small gift and card to a family member. Since my husband and I have such large extended families I was thinking to have a monthly drawing to help keep it random.  This is a great activity to do with the kids as it teaches them to give and show kindness.  The last point I’d like to make is how spouses should encourage upholding good relations with each others family as well.  After getting married your family gets larger as it will include your spouses immediate and extended family.  Showing love to them brings you closer as husband and wife.  And as a mother and father you should develop your children to love both sets of grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles.  There are situations where I have seen the mother encouraging her kids to love her parents more and not giving equal importance to love her husband’s parents or vice versa.

We all have challenges in life and upholding the ties of kinship may be one of them.  The challenge is worth it, especially if it’s a means of attaining Paradise.

A man said ‘O Messenger of Allah, tell me of a good deed that will grant me entrance to Paradise.’ The Prophet (pbuh) said, ‘Worship Allah and do not associate anything with Him, establish regular prayer, pay zakah and uphold the ties of kinship.’ (Bukhari and Muslim)