Living With the Laws.
As many of you know I have officially moved to Michigan. Alhumdulilah it’s nice being home. In the beginning there were times when I went out to run errands kind of forgetting I was in Michigan, and when I would run into people I knew it was a pleasant surprise. I have been staying with my in laws and make trips to visit my family every few weeks, I forgot what a great blessing it was to be able to go see my parents whenever I want, Alhumdulilah.
Living with my in laws has been a nice experience Alhumdulilah. When you live with someone you build a relationship with them that cannot be built over the phone. It’s a nice time to understand your in laws and get to know their likes and dislikes. I feel you build a true relationship with your in laws when you live with them for a period of time. In this day and age many daughter in laws become hesitant to stay with there in laws even if it is for a temporary time.
Now a days there are some women who put a wall up between their in laws and themselves. This is the start of a bad beginning. One must understand that although differences may occur your in laws are your husband’s family and they deserve to be respected. Often you hear of the stereotypical mother in law who is overruling and always involved in your relationship with your husband. I am not denying that there are some mother in laws who fit in this category, and these type of mother in laws need to realize that these sort of relationships are not about a power trip, instead they should be relationships of comfort and love.
People also need to realize there will be times of disagreement and misunderstanding, but then again things like this happen when you are human and it doesn’t mean its the end of a relationship or end of the world for that matter. As Muslims we need to deal with situations with the best manner. And even if your mother in law is wrong and you’re right it doesn’t mean you need to go the extra mile in a disagreement to prove your point. The following hadith opened my eyes:
Abu Umamah narrated: Allah’s Messenger Messenger (pbuh) said. “I guarantee an abode within the boundary of Paradise for one who gives up arguing, even if he is right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Paradise for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun, and I guarantee the sublime portion of Paradise for one whose conduct is good.” (Abu Dawood)
I think this is a good enough reason to hold your tongue in matters of disagreement!
I have been seeing and hearing a lot of divorce occuring in our Ummah. And in a few personal cases that I know of, most of the time the couples have a good relationship, but it was the interfering of in laws that drove the once happy couple apart. Are petty differences worth a divorce? The Quran states a beautiful ayah,
“And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel evil by that deed which is better; and thereupon, the one whom between you and him is enmity will become as though he was a devoted friend (41:34).
What a wonderful advice from Allah SWT Himself! Subhanallah! I believe many relationships can be saved if this beautiful advice is followed.
I leave you with a piece of advice my dear father gave me when I got married 6 years ago. “Beta (my dear daughter), remember if you want a blissful marriage make your husband’s family as if it is your own.” Alhumdulilah I followed his advice, and by the grace of All Mighty Allah, Allah has blessed me with a good marriage.
May Allah protect my husband’s family, May He give them all the good in this life and even better in the hereafter!
Humaira on 16 Oct 2008 at 1:04 pm #
I’m not married yet but I too am hesitant about moving in with in laws if that is the case. But your beautiful ayah about holding your tongue has given me another point of view.
S.E.A. NiQaBi on 19 Oct 2008 at 2:36 am #
assalamualaikum sis,
jazakallah for this post sis. it really is something us wives should realise. it is up to us to make the experience of living with our in-laws a tough one or a very comforting one. it all depends with how we think of the situation.
Olivia on 24 Oct 2008 at 8:38 pm #
Ah, a new post! Yay! =) A nice lecture series is a 2 part one on TDCs website last year by Hanaa Gamal.
Seher on 10 Nov 2008 at 3:36 pm #
Hey salams Farah,
Inshallah this finds you in the best of health and iman. I had no clue you moved back to michigan. Makes me a bit jealous
But i bet you were a bit jealous leaving chicago after last weeks victory speech by obama….anyways…
So let me respond to your current post:
What a good topic, it was very well written. I think one thing you should have mentioned as well is that, its also an adjustment not only for yourself but an adjustment for everyone living in the house. I’m sure everyone has there way of doing things and thats when people start having issues, so its about compromise on both sides!
Arshada on 17 Nov 2008 at 9:41 pm #
salaam alikuim
Oh I wish there was a new post coming soon. Really miss reading posts from this blog.
Muslim Women on 05 Jan 2009 at 4:13 pm #
Salaam - While I agree with your comments as well regarding getting to know your inlaws I do think it’s very important to keep in mind that living with in laws is actually not reccomended (it’s very much a cultural phenonemon that’s developed throughout the years). And every act that a daughter-in-law does is an act of sawab and earns her reward but there are no requirements upon the daughter -in-law to her in-laws as there are with parents. So ideally everyone will be treated as equals it is important to keep in mind that there are limitations set by Islam for a reason because only Allah Almighty knows how people truly are and can become in certain situations
Umm Salihah on 19 Jan 2009 at 8:34 am #
Assalam-alaikam,
I think I can agree with most of your post. Although it’s not an obligation on us to care for our in-laws, it is to care for and be kind to your parents, and what kinder thing can a husband and wife do, than to help each other fulfil their duties towards their parents.
When my mother-in-law came to stay for the first time she was used to running her own house in her own way and I was pregnant, so we kept having “diagreements” and tears. The next time she came , I was well, but she had Hep C and we both made an effort to let things go and let the other have her way. Things were so peaceful and she left saying I was her daughter.
In the end, when we made the decision to hold our tongues, it was not so hard.
yasmin on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:08 am #
asalamu-alaykum mashallah this is the first time iam here…just wanted 2 say that this site is so wonderful n sweet may allah bless you,,,and i hope you learn arabic
inshallah 1 day i will do the same inhsallah. love from yazzy
human about on 31 May 2009 at 8:44 pm #
assalamualaikum. i like your posts and i add you in my link list. would you add me in your link list too. thanx. wassalam
M on 09 Jun 2009 at 10:39 am #
As-Salaamualaikum,
Alhamdulillah for your wonderful post sister, I truly commend you on raising awareness of the importance of making sincere dua’a for your spouse’s parents and always wishing well for them.
However, I must say that living with in-laws right away after marriage is not a good thing primarily because at this point the spouses have a general adjustment phase in getting to know one another, and involving others in that adjustment can cause greater dissatisfaction.
Every sister I know who has lived or lives with in-laws has been or is unhappy. One is currently on medication to combat mental health issues as a result. This is not to say that there are not times when the situation does work out, I’m certain there are exceptions to the case. However, I believe strongly that spouses should create their own dwelling and build on their life together. Eventually that life will involve the care for elderly parents, and this is where both spouses should put 100% of their efforts to making sure they provide for their parents at that age when they cannot care for themselves.
I think it’s important to weed out culture from Islam. It’s important to let women and men both know to make sincere dua’a for all their relations and all brothers and sisters — and for mother and daughter-in-laws to treat each other as sisters, where the older sister advises her younger sisters.
Jazakum’Allahu Khayran,
WaSalaam
N on 03 Jul 2009 at 5:57 am #
As-Salaamualaikum
Im living with my husband and his family. It has only been three months. I live his with brother and his wife too. I find this extremely difficult, where I only get real privacy in my own bedroom as I am in hijab all the time. I where it in and out of the house, and my husband has said to me that there is no way we will move out and this is it. I find this as a real difficult issue. and I would like to know if anyone has any idea of how to come about this? Especially in the heatwave, where I cannot handle the heat. I feel so uncomfortable, and I feel so unattractive because I never look nice for my husband. In the three months I have been married to him, after the wedding he has only seen my hair done nicely once. and all other times it has been covered.
Salaam
admin on 25 Aug 2009 at 3:03 pm #
Us salaam alaikum all. Forgive me for not giving my feedback sooner on all these great comments.
Being one who has experienced both living on my own, for most of the 7 years Ive been married, and living with the in laws on and off through times of transition I truly do understand all the pros and cons.
I see that this is quite an issue amongst many Muslim couples, and for the most part I see that the wife ultimately wants her own home separate from her in laws, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think this concern should definitely be one that arises at the time of marriage. Both parties should be open about the topic, if the soon to be wife doesn’t want to live with her in laws and the soon to be husband wants to then they may have a rough road ahead of them. Better to clear up these sort of issues beforehand.
Also, there are times couples go through transitions in there life where they have no choice but to live with their in laws. Whether it be graduating and awaiting a job offer to relocating. When you know you’re there for a short period of time, its better to make the best of the situation.
Lastly, this is definitely a two way thing. Not only does the daughter in law have to put effort into making things comfortable and peaceful but it has to come from the other side as well, that’s when things run smoothly. All in all, I think its best for a daughter in law to have her own dwelling, most women look forward to this time in their life and expect it after marriage. I also think this makes for having a better, healthier relationship with the in laws as compared to living with them.
Once again thanks for all the great comments!!
Huddi on 01 Sep 2009 at 1:16 pm #
Jazaakumullah Khair (your whole family), I really liked the It’s Never Too Late Post in themuslimtraveler, strengthens my hope in Allah.