This past Sunday there was a potluck for two brides to be (my dear cousin-in-law and a daughter of a family friend) at my mother in laws house. At the party I gave my first Islamic “talk.” Below is the transcribed version…
Bismillah.
Narrated by Ibn Abbas: The Prophet (saw) said: “I was shown the hellfire and that te majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful.” It was asked, “Do they disbelieve in Allah?” He (saw) replied, “They were ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and good done to one of them and then she sees something in you no of her liking she will say, I have never received any good from you.”
Inshallah I will be giving a brief talk about a women’s natural disposition of generalizing her husband’s negative traits. Not only does this hadith give us a marital tip but it shows how much Allah SWT dislikes the act of ungratefulness. It is also very interesting to note that the punishment of this act is directly proportional to the impact it has on your marriage.
Generally speaking, if you look at the commands and punishments of Allah you will notice that the more negative impact a sin has on your life the more severe the punishment. Isn’t this so? For an example, adultery is a major sin. It ruins your relationship with your spouse which could lead to a bad relationship with your children. All of this leads to destruction in society. So as you can see adultery has a huge negative affect on your life therefore its punishment is equally as severe.
Tying this back to the hadith, being ungrateful to your husband can cause rifts in your marriage and furthermore it’s a road map to the hellfire. So what exactly is at the end of the road?
The Quran states:
“No food will there be for them except from a bitter, thorny plant which neither nourishes nor avails against hunger.” [88:6-7]
“They will be give to drink boiling water, so that it cuts up their bowels to pieces. ” [47:15]
Subhanallah, Allah gives us a description of the hellfire and fully illustrates the punishment and torment. One will be so hungry and thirsty and will have nothing but these things to eat and drink. A person will eat the thorny plants and drink the boiling water hoping that his hunger and thirst will go away, but it doesn’t!
There are many examples of how women generalize their husband’s negative traits. Sometimes husbands have a chore in the house that they do on a regular basis. Usually it’s vacuuming or taking out the trash. He usually does it, but once in a while he forgets. You see the undone chore and start thinking of the fact that it’s not done, that day there are other things adding to your stress and the first moment you see your husband you say, “You never help me around the house.” You say this although you know that he truly does help you, but as any human forgets once in a while. The other example of ungratefulness is when you see good qualities in other husbands and compare them to your husband, totally undermining all of the good qualities your husband has that others do not.
Granted there are many times when women are overwhelmed with the many they have to do. From chasing after children, to cooking on a daily basis and at times even working. We have all the excuses in the world to be stressed, but that doesn’t mean we should wait for the moment we are with our husbands to take out our frustrations on him when he makes one isolated mistake.
Inshallah if you follow my three step formula called “FRE” you will avoid this dangerous pitfall in your marriage.
1. FOCUS on the positive traits rather than the negative one he just did
2. Seek REFUGE in Allah from the whispers of Shaytaan, this is the most important step one could take. Once you do this you will automatically feel a calmness overcome you.
3. Catch yourself EARLY before you go 1,000 miles in the wrong direction
Inshallah I make dua to Allah SWT, for Him to put mercy and blessings between you and your husband.
Subhaanaka Allaahumma wa bihamdika, ‘ash-hadu ‘an laa ‘ilaaha ‘illaa ‘Anta, ‘astaghfiruka wa ‘atoobu ‘ilayka.
Glory is to You, O Allah, and praise is to You. I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but You. I seek Your forgiveness and repent to You.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Jazakullah khair, Farah, for those loving words of advice. I really took everything you (and Mariam) said to heart. Insha’Allah I will be able to implement in my life with Saqib
June 30th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
This is just the post I needed to read right now. I have been having big problems with my husband and even though he is a very good man I cannot help but focus on his failings, of which there are few. I am so happy to read about FRE and I am going to try it. I always need to be reminded to seek refuge with Allah as I am new to Islam and easily led astray. Thank you so much sister.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Alhumdulilah I am glad you came across this post in a needed time. Every marriage has ups and downs. We just need to learn how to compromise and deal with our spouse in a good manner. And as always the best thing to do is seek refuge from Allah and ask Him for guidance in any matter. Let me know how the FRE system works out for you!